Drunk Elephant Comics

# 1

Picture it…freshman year of college. Friday night I attended a fraterniy hayrack ride. Half way through the ride I had to pee as a result of 4-5 beers. I hopped off the trailer, walked into the woods and fell down a small ravine. Only when I got back to the bonfire did I realize I cut up the side of my face and had a black eye as a result of grabbing onto a tree to save myself.

The next night, Saturday, went out with some friends, black eye and all. We came back to the dorms and found a bell hop cart in the lobby. I thought it would be fun if I rode on it and my friends pushed me. We got onto the elevator where I immediately passed out. While pushing me out of the elevator on the 6th floor, the doors started to close and slam against my head, which was hanging out of the side of the cart. This resulted in another black eye.

Sunday went to dinner at my parents’ house and had to explain two black eyes and gnarley scabs running down my left cheek. I concocted an elaborate story about how I fell out of my loft. It worked…I think.

# 2

So I’m with some friends at a bar called ‘the Office.’ The idea was you could tell your wife you were headed to the office and not technically be lying. A long night of boozing with friends. Nothing spectacular. But 3am rolled around. We go outside to decide what to do next. In the poorly lit parking lot (which was perfect for peeing on the side of the building), sits a 1976 Ford LTD with a bunch of thugs sitting on it looking like the ‘Grease Lightining’ scene in the movie of the same name. One of them is wearing a hat.
MY FRIEND: Hey, why’s your hat say “imperial?” Are you into cars or something?
THUG:Shit, you never heard of Imperial Gangsters, Motherfu**er?
MY FRIEND: No, are you guys all into cars or something?
ME: (CURRENTLY PEEING ON SIDE OF BUILDING, WHISTLING)
MY FRIEND: Cause Imperial sounds like a really dumb name.
ME: Hey Casey, let’s get going.
THE THUGS START TO PUSH CASEY. I TRY TO BREAK IT UP. A FIGHT BREAKS OUT. TWO GUYS HOLD MY ARMS BEHIND ME WHILE ANOTHER PUMMELS MY HEAD. I DUCK QUITE A BIT. MOST BLOWS LAND ON THE BACK OF MY SKULL.
ME: Is that the best you got?
(IT WASN’T).
We eventually drive home. We call the cops and describe the thugs vaguely as hispanic, and wearing a hat that said “Imperial.”
COP: You kind of look familiar?
ME: Really? That’s odd.
COP: Did I arrest you three weeks ago for public intoxication?
ME: So did I mention these guys were in a gang?

# 3

So here goes…

In 1997, I was the president of the Student Art Association at the University of South Alabama. After our end of year exhibition, my fellow SAA officers and I headed to a bar in downtown Mobile to see “Man or Astroman”. Given my rank and the fact I was broke, all of my peeps bought me drinks all night. Beer, Shots, Mixed Drinks… you name it, I drank it. Hey, it was free. As the bar neared closing time, I had a bad case of the spins. Headed to the nastiest bathroom (doo doo feces everywhere) and puked my guts up. My “friends” lead me to a car to whisk me away… I continued to puke all the way home out the car window. My driver, Andy, stopped for more booze and told me I would feel better if I had a little more on the stomach. Sooo…I kept drinking.

We arrived at his house shortly thereafter (about 4AM) and I sat down in his dirt driveway because the “ground was moving under my feet”. Sitting down turned to lying down when I finally passed out bottle in hand. I woke up as the sun rose with fire ants biting my face and twigs in my hair. I staggered into Andy’s house and laid down on his carpeted den floor. Took a few more swigs off the Schnapps bottle, ate a bit of puked up hot-dog off my shirt from the night before and went to sleep. About an hour or so later, I woke up needing to puke, but didn’t have the coordination to get off the floor. In a moment of desperation, I grabbed the nearest vessel I could find (my doc marten boot) and went to town filling it up. I passed out again, boot in hand (because I didn’t want to spill it on the carpet). About noon I woke up with the worst hangover, but felt a shower would remedy the situation. In getting ready to leave Andy’s for the day, I put on my socks and boots … all the while forgetting I had puked in my boot. And with a squish, I was off to work…puke boot and all.

# 4

These are great stories, everyone, but putting them on Twitter wins the iPhone. Resubmit them down to 140 characters :)

# 5

My Sister and I, along with some of her friends went out to a bar called “The Dock” I had recently been perscribed Paxil and really didn’t care if I should drink on it or not. After multible drinks I began to get pretty smashed. As we were leaving I decided, for some reason, to take my shirt off and jump onto the roof of my car. After flexing and screaming at people I jumped down and drove off. I did a 360 in the road and realized I shouldn’t drive. I pulled into the first parking lot I saw and went to sleep. I woke up to an angry cop beating on my window. Appearently I had flipped him off in my sleep. He asked me “do you know where you are? You are in my headquarters parking lot”